It's been a while

I really had no idea it had been so long since I had posted until I directed someone here and figured I better take a peek on it. Nothing since April? Where did the time go? Oh yeah, husband, 3 kids, job, 3rd round of grad school and more pets than I would like, that's where it went. It's all good though. The important people are well, healthy, and happy. The boy just turned 3, the eldest girl turned 13 today, and Juni turns 1 in 2 weeks. They make me nuts, want to drink too much, and cry tears of frustration and joy in pretty much equal amounts. They are awesome!! If I said that after 4 and a half years I don't still feel the shadow of a missing girl in our family, I would be lying. With every birthday and milestone I see a flash of what she would have been, especially with Juni. Those dark dark eyes that can sparkle like a fairy sprite are so like Sage's. It's hard not to wonder if Sage would have looked like Juni looks. Then again, Juni wouldn't be here if Sage had lived so it's a moot point. They are all moot actually because what is, is and it can't be what it's not. So, we continue to plug away and keep on keeping on trying to do our best to be the people we want our kids to be when they are grown. It's still hard but it is definitely getting easier, if that makes any sense.

I seriously say this to my boy at least once a day.

The balm for my wounds

Sage turns 4 today....

It has been a sad and bitter day. I am conflicted in so many ways. We have made a tradition to bring needed items to the NICU that cared for her so well on her birthday. This year I couldn't get anyone to answer my calls or emails. Finally, I got someone today and it was like I was hassling them. They came back with a couple things but still sounded like they just wanted to get me off the phone. I know I am sensitive and over analyzing the  whole thing but I think I will come up with another way to honor Sage every year from now on. 

My house is nuts. Me? Less so these days

SO my home is insane with the trappings of a toddler boy, newborn girl, and adolescent hormone whackjob that looks eerily like my 12 yr old daughter. I'm back to work and we are finding our new groove. I had an pretty nasty time with PPD but am feeling better. Honestly, I think going through the abyss with Sage dying helped me learn to cope with depression better. I would feel bad and could really reflect and say, "Well, at least this baby is alive". Kind of brings a new clarity to it all when you have that as a benchmark for your emotions. Anxiety though is a different story.

My OB is awesome and I am lucky to call him a friend and colleague. We had a "check in" today and he gave me some good advice. We were discussing my mood and anxiety. He asked me how I would rate myself as far as being close to my "normal". That hit me like a ton of bricks. I really don't remember "normal". If you mean pre-Sage "normal" then I'm nowhere on that chart...I don't even recall what it was like.  If you mean post-Sage "normal", then I'm at about 60-70%. I could feel myself start to shake and flush and my heart started to race. When he asked me to explain that rating and said that he could see me shaking, I almost broke down. The pressure to be 'okay' and step back up to my responsibilities is overwhelming. I am a super overachiever and am determined to get back up on that horse...hell, I'll skin that damn thing and make you a coat if you ask me to. Little would you know my facade is so thin that the interior shows through the ever expanding cracks. I feel fake...I am a fake. I feel irreparably broken so I overcompensate to seem whole. I felt panicked because here was someone I trusted, admired, and worked with and they could see the flaws in the plaster.  He looked me square in the face and said "you are doing ok. You are doing the best you can and that's all you need to do. It is enough and you are enough". Of course I nod my head agreeing because I KNOW this stuff. Rationally, clinically, academically, I know this. I know this but I guess I needed to hear it. I needed to hear that I'm on the right track and I don't have to be 100% happy, collected, organized, and bounced back. I needed to be reminded that I am actually doing really good, comparatively, for having a baby not even 3 months ago. The blackness has receded and left anxiety in it's wake. Well, it was always there but now I am feeling it more again. I am on auto pilot most days and I guess that's ok. I'm not crazy, I am not going off the deep end. I am doing my best with what I have and that's ok for today.

So everything went ok. Juniper Geen (sounds like Jean) was born last Friday (24th) and did great. She is tiny but we knew that going in. She had apgars of 9/9 and has almost gained all her in hospital loss weight back already. She is a great little peanut and looks exactly like Sage...so there is that. I have goofed and called her Sage but I guess that's to be expected? I had a horrible recovery as I am super sensitive to meds and anesthesia. After 12 hrs of non stop vomiting I finally started to feel human and on day 4, came home. We are enjoying our babymoon with our 4th and last child. I can feel the PPD creeping back in and am recalling all my interventions to stave it off. I want to enjoy this baby..I really really do. :)

Change of plans....been discovered that we have IUGR...about -4 weeks. SO we will have the baby tomorrow.....breathing.....

10 days

10 days until our section. Baby girl turned frank breech at about 27 weeks and all attempts to flip her have proven fruitless. I have resigned myself to the repeat section and know that is how she is choosing to come through. Maybe big sister Sage is helping prevent a catastrophe....who knows. Bonus part is I get my botched scar fixed and my tubes "tied". No more for us. We are insane as it is so this little one will be the icing on the nutty household cake. We named her Juniper Geen and will call her Juni when she is little. Wish us luck that she is healthy, safe, and staying...and luck that my heart stays calm during the procedure.We are planning ahead in case it doesn't so no surprises this time around...hopefully.