So I went to a support group meeting for bereaved parents...let's call them something like "sensitive companions" or something of the like. It started out ok, most of the parents were grieving older children but one was a mom to a boy who died of SIDS. Her mother was there as well. When it was my turn to introduce myself I explained how I had been trying to find a group where I fit into. I'd like to go to SHARE if there was one to go to and now that I had my "rainbow" baby I am more painful to the new bereaved moms than helpful. I'd LOVE to go to a pediatric donor family group but there isn't one. (Hell, I can't even get anyone to share their donation story on my website). SO there I was, trying to find a place to vent my feelings about guilt, longing, and missing my baby girl.
Everything was going good ( in the support group sense), lots of sharing, nodding, arm rubbing ect... Then we started talking about premonitions, either yours or your child's regarding their death. I spoke up about my dream that I had about Sage holding the hands of a boy and girl before we had her recipient matches, which were a boy and girl. I also talked about how I wasn't connected to her during my pregnancy and how I felt her pulling away during labor. That's when she said it...."It should give me peace to know that she wasn't 100% present here, to be with me for good. I knew that she was leaving so that at least gives me peace, right?"
Ummm, no. We made the decision to donate because it was Sage's purpose, not ours. I didn't go through labor crying and grieving her with an inner peace knowing that she was fulfilling her purpose. It was like watching a massacre in front of you and you can't stop it or even yell out for them to duck for cover. It was like having your soul being dragged to it's death and you knew it was coming. I don't have peace when my heart skips and my stomach turns every time I hear the trauma hawk fly overhead. It sucks...it will always suck. I miss my baby girl. I will miss everything about her forever. The knowledge that she helped others makes me happy that I feel I fulfilled her as her parent. Other than that......It fucking blows.
