My house is nuts. Me? Less so these days

SO my home is insane with the trappings of a toddler boy, newborn girl, and adolescent hormone whackjob that looks eerily like my 12 yr old daughter. I'm back to work and we are finding our new groove. I had an pretty nasty time with PPD but am feeling better. Honestly, I think going through the abyss with Sage dying helped me learn to cope with depression better. I would feel bad and could really reflect and say, "Well, at least this baby is alive". Kind of brings a new clarity to it all when you have that as a benchmark for your emotions. Anxiety though is a different story.

My OB is awesome and I am lucky to call him a friend and colleague. We had a "check in" today and he gave me some good advice. We were discussing my mood and anxiety. He asked me how I would rate myself as far as being close to my "normal". That hit me like a ton of bricks. I really don't remember "normal". If you mean pre-Sage "normal" then I'm nowhere on that chart...I don't even recall what it was like.  If you mean post-Sage "normal", then I'm at about 60-70%. I could feel myself start to shake and flush and my heart started to race. When he asked me to explain that rating and said that he could see me shaking, I almost broke down. The pressure to be 'okay' and step back up to my responsibilities is overwhelming. I am a super overachiever and am determined to get back up on that horse...hell, I'll skin that damn thing and make you a coat if you ask me to. Little would you know my facade is so thin that the interior shows through the ever expanding cracks. I feel fake...I am a fake. I feel irreparably broken so I overcompensate to seem whole. I felt panicked because here was someone I trusted, admired, and worked with and they could see the flaws in the plaster.  He looked me square in the face and said "you are doing ok. You are doing the best you can and that's all you need to do. It is enough and you are enough". Of course I nod my head agreeing because I KNOW this stuff. Rationally, clinically, academically, I know this. I know this but I guess I needed to hear it. I needed to hear that I'm on the right track and I don't have to be 100% happy, collected, organized, and bounced back. I needed to be reminded that I am actually doing really good, comparatively, for having a baby not even 3 months ago. The blackness has receded and left anxiety in it's wake. Well, it was always there but now I am feeling it more again. I am on auto pilot most days and I guess that's ok. I'm not crazy, I am not going off the deep end. I am doing my best with what I have and that's ok for today.

So everything went ok. Juniper Geen (sounds like Jean) was born last Friday (24th) and did great. She is tiny but we knew that going in. She had apgars of 9/9 and has almost gained all her in hospital loss weight back already. She is a great little peanut and looks exactly like Sage...so there is that. I have goofed and called her Sage but I guess that's to be expected? I had a horrible recovery as I am super sensitive to meds and anesthesia. After 12 hrs of non stop vomiting I finally started to feel human and on day 4, came home. We are enjoying our babymoon with our 4th and last child. I can feel the PPD creeping back in and am recalling all my interventions to stave it off. I want to enjoy this baby..I really really do. :)

Change of plans....been discovered that we have IUGR...about -4 weeks. SO we will have the baby tomorrow.....breathing.....

10 days

10 days until our section. Baby girl turned frank breech at about 27 weeks and all attempts to flip her have proven fruitless. I have resigned myself to the repeat section and know that is how she is choosing to come through. Maybe big sister Sage is helping prevent a catastrophe....who knows. Bonus part is I get my botched scar fixed and my tubes "tied". No more for us. We are insane as it is so this little one will be the icing on the nutty household cake. We named her Juniper Geen and will call her Juni when she is little. Wish us luck that she is healthy, safe, and staying...and luck that my heart stays calm during the procedure.We are planning ahead in case it doesn't so no surprises this time around...hopefully.

We will be having a little girl....whew....the general ambivalence is giving way to anxiety. Can we really get so lucky as to having a living breathing baby girl this time around? I take nothing for granted these days but I'm hoping for the best.

Her birthday again....it's coming

Yep, it's that time of year again, when me and my husband have random crying jags, panic attacks, and periods of just dark mood....then it hits us, it's almost her birthday. We try to do something positive with it, we call pu the NICU that was so good to her and us and we go birthday shopping for them. It has been clothes (girl, of course), dvd players, toys, and blankets. This year when I called the nurse that answered was actually the nurse that escorted Sage through her organ surgery and had dressed her, wrapped her, and made sure she was warm when I came to say goodbye. She stayed there with us and just stayed, silent but perfect in that moment. What words could she say? She knew there were none so she didn't try. I knew she cared for my baby by the way she was perfectly bundled and arranged just so. She knew who I was and she remembered my family. It was hard but so good to hear her voice saying she was so happy we were coming by and that she really wanted to see us. SO we will go shopping for bouncer seats and crib toys this year and of course, girl clothes and we will wrap them up in pretty paper. Then we will make the drive to the hospital and probably cry on and off as we walk in. The lady at the desk will probably look at my other kids and say "oh, were they a patient?" and we will smile and say "no, ours did not make it". Then she will look away and buzz us in. Just like the last 2 years. So anyways....it's getting to be that time of year and it still sucks.

Oh how the universe is willful.

A quick note...we have been going about our lives with a rambunctious toddler boy and pre-teen girl....loving it and adjusting to new jobs and schedules and schools. I had finally reconciled myself to not having another biological child......and New Years day SURPRISE!!!! We are having another baby. Oh how the universe likes to remind me that I am not in control. And now there are 4.