Her birthday again....it's coming

Yep, it's that time of year again, when me and my husband have random crying jags, panic attacks, and periods of just dark mood....then it hits us, it's almost her birthday. We try to do something positive with it, we call pu the NICU that was so good to her and us and we go birthday shopping for them. It has been clothes (girl, of course), dvd players, toys, and blankets. This year when I called the nurse that answered was actually the nurse that escorted Sage through her organ surgery and had dressed her, wrapped her, and made sure she was warm when I came to say goodbye. She stayed there with us and just stayed, silent but perfect in that moment. What words could she say? She knew there were none so she didn't try. I knew she cared for my baby by the way she was perfectly bundled and arranged just so. She knew who I was and she remembered my family. It was hard but so good to hear her voice saying she was so happy we were coming by and that she really wanted to see us. SO we will go shopping for bouncer seats and crib toys this year and of course, girl clothes and we will wrap them up in pretty paper. Then we will make the drive to the hospital and probably cry on and off as we walk in. The lady at the desk will probably look at my other kids and say "oh, were they a patient?" and we will smile and say "no, ours did not make it". Then she will look away and buzz us in. Just like the last 2 years. So anyways....it's getting to be that time of year and it still sucks.