From the lovely woman at To Write Their Names In The Sand

Dreams

Had another baby dream. It was weird. I had a baby boy, a chubby, bald headed, blue eyed boy. I don't think I have dreamt of a boy before, not like this. Not really sure how I feel about that at this point. Not that I HAVE to think about anything right now on that front.....luckily...sadly. 

Volunteer Work

So last night Rich and I went to a local minor league baseball game as volunteers for Life Alliance. That is the local OPO (organ procurement organization) that handled Sage's organ donation process. They are great people and I have had the honor of working with them in a variety of ways. Being able to volunteer with them has been a huge source of healing for me and now Rich (I hope). I have met the most amazing people through them. Last night was no exception. I met Scott and his wife. Scott was 40 years ago with several heart abnormalities that would have killed 99% of others born with the same thing. He was the "guinea pig" for several procedures over the years and made it through. He was blessed with a heart transplant 8 years ago. It was a very rough recovery and he had to basically re-learn how to live. He is now finally able to ride a bike and feels better than he has since he can remember. He now mentors children on the transplant list and tries to give hope to heartbroken parents. Hearing his story and seeing how transplants, no matter how long waited for, can change a life so profoundly touched my heart deeply. 

We also met a great lady who is going to work with us to get our story "out there". I told her that when we came home that first night after seeing Sage and knowing that she was not here with us any longer I scoured the web looking for stories of infant or even young pediatric donation. I found very very few. None on neonatal donation. I know that the OPO's have stories archived but you have to ask for them. If you are thinking about donation and want to see how someone else found the process and what their story was, you want it there. I wanted to read about another unfortunate family who went through what we did. How did they come to that choice? What did they do after, did they go see their child? Did they feel like they gained another child(ren)? There are plenty of stories about children waiting and those lucky enough to get a transplant but not of those families who gave the gift. We are not alone, I know that. Is it the stigma of a dead child? Is it the sheer tragedy of the situation? I'm not sure but I'l be damned if another mother or father goes looking for answers and finds nothing. 

Scott and Becca, it was an honor to meet you both :) 

Making concessions and the fight between heart and mind

Right after Sage died all I could think about was getting pregnant. I ached, my heart, soul, breasts, and womb ached for a baby. All that went through my head was, "I NEED a baby." Forget the fact that I was pretty much ripped from one "end to another", or that my kidneys were not in the best of shape, OR that I was in no way, shape, or form mentally ready, I wanted to get pregnant NOW! Was it hormonal? Was it the emptiness I felt at night when I knew that I would be nursing Sage had she lived? I know that in nature, the males of some species will kill the offspring to induce the females to go into estrus. Does that mean that this overwhelming drive to get pregnant was evolutionary? Does the reason why make any difference? No, it doesn't. 

I never thought for a second that my dear husband wouldn't be onboard with "trying" again right away. As I saw it, we were not replacing  Sage in any way. I knew that she was not here for us to keep. I accept that and I just thought, our original goal was to have a child. We need to move on with that goal. When I brought up the subject I was floored when my husband told me that he wasn't nearly ready to even talk about another pregnancy. I was devastated. I was angry. I was resentful. How dare anyone, much less a man, tell ME what I could or couldn't do? I would be lying to say that it didn't affect our relationship for a little while. 

I had started going to therapy through Hospice/SHARE and we talked at length about my desire to try again. It wasn't until I really stopped and thought about it and took a step back to look at myself physically that it made any sense as to wait. My heart still was saying NOW!!!! but I started to see rationally how dragging my husband forcibly into another pregnancy may be very detrimental to our marriage. I decided to focus on my health and get my body ready for another baby. I also focused on my family to get it ready as well. My hub. and I decided to wait 6 months before we talked about conceiving again and I reluctantly went back on the pill. Taking that first pill was heart-wrenching. It was like conceding defeat. On the other hand, it was like a renewal of faith in my marriage. If my husband was willing to even consider heading into another potentially complicated pregnancy and delivery, I should be willing to take a little pill for a few months. 

Relationships between parents of children who die are more likely to crumble than any other group. I was and am determined that we will not be one of those couples. I am committed to my family and know that sometimes the things we are most resistant to (waiting the 6 months) can be the most therapeutic. 

With that said, I am counting down the days until November and our very special conversation.