Making concessions and the fight between heart and mind

Right after Sage died all I could think about was getting pregnant. I ached, my heart, soul, breasts, and womb ached for a baby. All that went through my head was, "I NEED a baby." Forget the fact that I was pretty much ripped from one "end to another", or that my kidneys were not in the best of shape, OR that I was in no way, shape, or form mentally ready, I wanted to get pregnant NOW! Was it hormonal? Was it the emptiness I felt at night when I knew that I would be nursing Sage had she lived? I know that in nature, the males of some species will kill the offspring to induce the females to go into estrus. Does that mean that this overwhelming drive to get pregnant was evolutionary? Does the reason why make any difference? No, it doesn't. 

I never thought for a second that my dear husband wouldn't be onboard with "trying" again right away. As I saw it, we were not replacing  Sage in any way. I knew that she was not here for us to keep. I accept that and I just thought, our original goal was to have a child. We need to move on with that goal. When I brought up the subject I was floored when my husband told me that he wasn't nearly ready to even talk about another pregnancy. I was devastated. I was angry. I was resentful. How dare anyone, much less a man, tell ME what I could or couldn't do? I would be lying to say that it didn't affect our relationship for a little while. 

I had started going to therapy through Hospice/SHARE and we talked at length about my desire to try again. It wasn't until I really stopped and thought about it and took a step back to look at myself physically that it made any sense as to wait. My heart still was saying NOW!!!! but I started to see rationally how dragging my husband forcibly into another pregnancy may be very detrimental to our marriage. I decided to focus on my health and get my body ready for another baby. I also focused on my family to get it ready as well. My hub. and I decided to wait 6 months before we talked about conceiving again and I reluctantly went back on the pill. Taking that first pill was heart-wrenching. It was like conceding defeat. On the other hand, it was like a renewal of faith in my marriage. If my husband was willing to even consider heading into another potentially complicated pregnancy and delivery, I should be willing to take a little pill for a few months. 

Relationships between parents of children who die are more likely to crumble than any other group. I was and am determined that we will not be one of those couples. I am committed to my family and know that sometimes the things we are most resistant to (waiting the 6 months) can be the most therapeutic. 

With that said, I am counting down the days until November and our very special conversation.