Just Blah

It seems like I have hit that 6 month road block that everyone keeps talking about. You know...life sucks...I'l never get pregnant again...I'm fat...I can't seem to do anything right...oh and I can't stop crying every time I'm alone for 5 minutes. It sucks...I'm angry that we can't start to get pregnant now, I'm angry that I can't just "check out' for a few days of emotional rehab, I'm angry that I don't have the energy to work off some of this fat roll. Most of all, I'm angry that I can't remember what Sage felt like...what her little face looked like, what she smelled like. I'm forgetting...slowly bits and pieces are growing dimmer and dimmer....what will happen a year from now when I try to conjure up her image in my head and all I get are reproductions of the pictures we took. It's a sucky time I guess.

On a good note, we heard from the transplant services group that our heart recipient boy is doing great..happy and playful. I'm sure that family has NO idea how much I think of that little boy. If they did I'm sure they would have answered my letter already. I swear I'm not a psycho stalker but if one of the last remaining 2 parts of your child were crawling around someone's floor, wouldn't you want to at least hear from the parents that they were doing good? I really need to send the liver recipient family a letter as well but haven't been able to do that yet...is it because it is another little girl? There is something that scares me about that one. I haven't been able to get updates on her either. I hope that she made it through the initial transplant phase...I'm dreading that she didn't and that's why I get no updates when I ask. In the transplant politics world 6 months is the golden timeframe where some organizations allow you to correspond with donor families. I am hoping that's the case. Writing this I am seeing that maybe I fixate way too much on this.

On a creative note, I have started crocheting again...15 year interlude. I made a couple hats for a dear friend and SHARE mom in cooollllddd Chicago, and a few for my big girl. I was thinking about making a bunch of real cute ones for the little ones at our local NICU/LD that don't make it. Sage had the cutest pink knit hat (I'm pissed that we were told that we could get it from the funeral home but they cremated her in it....) All the babies should have snuggly super cute hats that their families can take home and remember. We will see. Like I have time.............