A year ago tonight we said goodbye to our baby girl. We got word she would be transplanted and that she would have her surgery in the morning. It was the most bittersweet goodbye imaginable. Tomorrow will be hard. I have the times in my memory etched forever.....6 am..call to say she was placed for heart and liver...10am...OR time got pushed back....1pm...surgery almost done...2pm...holding my baby girl finally without tubes, fear, or a heartbeat. Knowing that it was at that very second being reanimated in a 6 week old little boy just hours north of us made all the difference in the world. It still does. God, I miss my baby girl.

Feeling like an ass

So today I picked up my big girl from school and the ladies in her small school were all giddy that I was having a boy. I have been trying so hard to muster up some excitement about the whole boy thing. I'm getting better. Still, the ladies faces were in a mix of confusion and differing layers of shock while I explained that I would be taking the next 5 months to get used to the idea of a boy. I'm sure in their minds I should be overjoyed that I'm having something at all. As hard as I try, I just can't get super excited. Sure, I have bought a few more things but it was almost like a chore. I have felt a few jabs here and there and I'm sure it will become more real as I feel more. It's just hard. I feel like I need to explain to everyone, "Look, I'm happy and all but I have a room full of girl clothes, washed, folded, ready to go. I will never have another baby girl to wear them. I will never have that...so excuse me for not being super excited at this juncture. I'm mourning not only my daughter, whose first birthday would be next week, I'm also mourning the fact I will never have another girl". If I could just say that to everyone I talk to....maybe I wouldn't get those looks.

Sage's birthday is next Tuesday. Her tree is blooming. I will post pics when it comes into full bloom. breathe in....breathe out.......

Holy Crap

We found out today that we are having a boy. The best way to explain my reaction would be numbness. The midwife is just the sweetest thing and understood why I wasn't exactly jumping for joy. I know I will be over the moon, so to say, given some time but for now I'm trying to digest that I will never have another little girl. No more pink snuggly footie pajamas, no more fairy princess dress up, not again. I have a room full of girl clothes folded, sorted, and waiting. How easy it would have been to simply add a baby girl to that already girlie room. As my dear friend and SHARE mom said, maybe this baby wants to be their own person, not a replacement in some way. At the time I could only reply that there would never, could never be a replacement for Sage. I think I get what she was saying now though. I wanted a girl because I had one and she was gone too fast. Thinking back to when I was pregnant with Sage I can remember wishing for a boy because then I would be done, boy, girl, family...done. I threw my heart into having another girl and it was pulled out from under me. I guess I'm hesitant throwing my heart into someone entirely new. Oh, and 13 more days until Sage's first birthday. I'm terrified.

New item

We bought the very first item for the new baby. I was so anxious buying anything. It is like tempting fate, like snubbing our noses at the universe and saying, "This time it will be different". I keep looking at that fuzzy blanket with owls and apple trees and hoping.