Similarities

We just noticed today that Sage and Elias have the same nose. It was kind of neat and kind of somber to realize that. They are both beautiful and we are so grateful.

He is here!!!

Our miracle, our affirmation that life does continue to bloom is HERE! He arrived screaming, looking and so beautiful. We brought Sage's locket with her picture and hair lock with us into the OR and I know she was there with us. When I heard that first cry was the first time I cried during the whole procedure. Every cry was like a shot of pure joy into my heart. We are over the moon. Of course, we will always miss our darling girl and the knowledge that had she lived Eli would not be here is something we struggle with. The reality is that she is not and he is and we couldn't be more thankful.

Today is the day

Well, in 5 and a half hours Eli will arrive. I've gotten a certain disconnected peace about it at this point. I think that is called survival mode. My mind just goes to "if we can past this part, we can celebrate". This is my Everest, .......see you at the summit.

Control??? What's that?

So last week was our appt. with the perinatologist and again we saw the cord up by Eli's face. It was decided then that we would do a planned c-section. Today was the day that we met with the OB for the first time to discuss the date. What a surreal and odd thing to do, to pick your child's birth date. I was fine until we started discussing the particulars....then it all just fell apart. I couldn't breathe right, my chest hurt, my head felt like it was going to explode. All the apprehension that I felt the night Sage was born and was sent by helicopter to the other hospital came flooding back. A flood of doubt and questions flooded my head, "are we taking the coward's way out", "are we making the right decision", "what if something happens to me on the table...what if Eli dies as a result of this section"?. I know in my heart that we are making a sound judgement based on fact and safety....I just worry...will I be adding Eli's name to this blog as a son I remember or as my son I cherish in my arms? Again and again I am forced to remember and affirm that I am not in control of my child's journey..I can only offer my best intention and love as his mother....and pray that is enough.

Thursday night we will deliver our son into this world. Let's pray he has chosen to stay.