Control??? What's that?

So last week was our appt. with the perinatologist and again we saw the cord up by Eli's face. It was decided then that we would do a planned c-section. Today was the day that we met with the OB for the first time to discuss the date. What a surreal and odd thing to do, to pick your child's birth date. I was fine until we started discussing the particulars....then it all just fell apart. I couldn't breathe right, my chest hurt, my head felt like it was going to explode. All the apprehension that I felt the night Sage was born and was sent by helicopter to the other hospital came flooding back. A flood of doubt and questions flooded my head, "are we taking the coward's way out", "are we making the right decision", "what if something happens to me on the table...what if Eli dies as a result of this section"?. I know in my heart that we are making a sound judgement based on fact and safety....I just worry...will I be adding Eli's name to this blog as a son I remember or as my son I cherish in my arms? Again and again I am forced to remember and affirm that I am not in control of my child's journey..I can only offer my best intention and love as his mother....and pray that is enough.

Thursday night we will deliver our son into this world. Let's pray he has chosen to stay.