20 months is a drop in the bucket

I had a melt down the other day over not being with Sage when she "died". I know she was gone long before they took her to the OR to gather her organs and turn off the ventilator but for some reason it all came at me at once.......20 months and I'm still getting blindsided with these kinds of things.....I honestly thought we would be done by now.....

The perfect child

So I find myself calling Eli "Sage" and saying "her" instead of "him". Mostly when I'm tired or emotional and it makes me sad. I don't want to ever compare my children to eachother but come on, if you have more than one you know you do it....just admit it and get over it...but I find myself comparing them to Sage...the idea of Sage. In my head she grows to be gorgeous, brilliant, funny, strong, successful, and full of everything I'm too scared to be. She has the advantage of never being able to prove me wrong...she will forever be my perfect one....my infallible one....how can any kid live up to THAT standard? I want to let that go and accept my lovelies for all they are Aspergers, allergies, tempers, reflux, clutterloving, and all and not have that moment of "Sage would ('nt) be like this or that" or "Sage would ('nt) have been able to do this or that".....I feel like a crap mom when I do it but I'm not sure how to stop......I guess just by reminding myself that when I accidentally say "Goodnight sweet girl" when holding Eli it's really okay because I have a feeling she is still hanging out with him...close by...as she always has been.

Worky kind of work

SO I started back at work this week.....it was better than I envisioned it. I expected to have a complete mental breakdown when I had to walk through NICU or LD. I actually was ok. I took a deep breath before I scrubbed in and it was alright. Seeing the little ones in the NICU was hard, especially the ones who were big like Sage was. Some tragic cases but mostly just feeder grower babies there to pack on the pounds and days until they go home. I found myself thinking "thank god Sage went quick and didn't suffer on life support". Crazy thought but it's so hard seeing those little ones struggle. Was again blown away though at the callousness of some moms....another baby, another mouth to feed...or worse, another check on the way...woohoo! It's unfair....so many would kill for a baby and here is some woman on baby 5 and says she really didn't want the last 3......what's wrong with this picture?

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Missing the girl something fierce......this sucks. My therapist is MIA...the SHARE group is non existent...the few friends I had locally before Sage have bailed...again, this sucks.