So I find myself calling Eli "Sage" and saying "her" instead of "him". Mostly when I'm tired or emotional and it makes me sad. I don't want to ever compare my children to eachother but come on, if you have more than one you know you do it....just admit it and get over it...but I find myself comparing them to Sage...the idea of Sage. In my head she grows to be gorgeous, brilliant, funny, strong, successful, and full of everything I'm too scared to be. She has the advantage of never being able to prove me wrong...she will forever be my perfect one....my infallible one....how can any kid live up to THAT standard? I want to let that go and accept my lovelies for all they are Aspergers, allergies, tempers, reflux, clutterloving, and all and not have that moment of "Sage would ('nt) be like this or that" or "Sage would ('nt) have been able to do this or that".....I feel like a crap mom when I do it but I'm not sure how to stop......I guess just by reminding myself that when I accidentally say "Goodnight sweet girl" when holding Eli it's really okay because I have a feeling she is still hanging out with him...close by...as she always has been.
I too fear that I will always have that "Lukas would(n't) be like that" syndrome.
ReplyDelete