Broken

It's been almost 2 and a half years since Sage was born and died. One would expect that you would be "okay" by now...and you had a beautiful healthy baby since that you are more than just "okay"...you should be good...great....thankful for life's blessings and ready to get back up on that horse and be the brave little cowgirl everyone expects you to be. Right? Wrong....I have come to the conclusion that even though life has moved on and I am able to kind of keep up with it and even though I DO have a wonderful son and daughter that are my universe, I realize that I will always be broken. I will always be just a bit off, socially awkward and lonely. I thought that I would get back to some sort of normal by now. I thought that she wouldn't creep into my thoughts as much now, but she does...not her face, but the idea of her....reminding me constantly of what I didn't get to keep. I wonder if I am mentally ill....maybe the depression was worse than I thought and I should have stayed on the meds longer. Maybe it's the rest of my life being insane that fuels the rest to follow suit....I don't know. I just know that I'm tired, broken, and I am nobody's cowgirl.