He is here!!!

Our miracle, our affirmation that life does continue to bloom is HERE! He arrived screaming, looking and so beautiful. We brought Sage's locket with her picture and hair lock with us into the OR and I know she was there with us. When I heard that first cry was the first time I cried during the whole procedure. Every cry was like a shot of pure joy into my heart. We are over the moon. Of course, we will always miss our darling girl and the knowledge that had she lived Eli would not be here is something we struggle with. The reality is that she is not and he is and we couldn't be more thankful.

Today is the day

Well, in 5 and a half hours Eli will arrive. I've gotten a certain disconnected peace about it at this point. I think that is called survival mode. My mind just goes to "if we can past this part, we can celebrate". This is my Everest, .......see you at the summit.

Control??? What's that?

So last week was our appt. with the perinatologist and again we saw the cord up by Eli's face. It was decided then that we would do a planned c-section. Today was the day that we met with the OB for the first time to discuss the date. What a surreal and odd thing to do, to pick your child's birth date. I was fine until we started discussing the particulars....then it all just fell apart. I couldn't breathe right, my chest hurt, my head felt like it was going to explode. All the apprehension that I felt the night Sage was born and was sent by helicopter to the other hospital came flooding back. A flood of doubt and questions flooded my head, "are we taking the coward's way out", "are we making the right decision", "what if something happens to me on the table...what if Eli dies as a result of this section"?. I know in my heart that we are making a sound judgement based on fact and safety....I just worry...will I be adding Eli's name to this blog as a son I remember or as my son I cherish in my arms? Again and again I am forced to remember and affirm that I am not in control of my child's journey..I can only offer my best intention and love as his mother....and pray that is enough.

Thursday night we will deliver our son into this world. Let's pray he has chosen to stay.

You've got to be kidding......

A very good friend of mine who I met from SHARE boards just lost her baby at 24 weeks....... Since I met her at SHARE you can guess that she has had a loss before. She lost twin boys at 20 weeks due to infection...it will be 2 years this winter. This boy she tried for for months and months. We don't know why he died.....she just said his heart stopped beating. It was a flood of emotions that rushed me back to 18 months ago when Sage died. I couldn't/can't believe it. Every time my phone dings and its her texting me I have a flash of though that maybe they were wrong....maybe they will find that heartbeat flutter right before they induce her. I know it's not true but I have that irrational thought....just like I had the irrational thought that Sage would "wake up" when they did the apnea tests. My heart is breaking for her and her husband. It just isn't fair....she deserves a baby....a live one. Honestly, having to bury 3 baby boys in 2 years is cruel and wrong and unnatural. My dear friend, I hold your boys in my heart....Benjamin, Jacob, and now Ryaan.

Let me count the grey hairs....

SO....we went to the peri 2 weeks ago and saw that Eli's cord was NOWHERE near his head or chest or shoulders...all nicely bundled by his belly. With that great news I decided that we wanted a 3D US and we had it this afternoon. What is the first thing we see? A CORD by his FACE...not just by it, floating above it. Apparently I have excessive fluid enough to allow things to float around and for the tech to measure Eli to make sure he is within normal growth range. (He is, by the way) When we saw the cord I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I couldn't believe it. The tech saying "don't worry about it...it's nothing to even think about"....really lady??? Thats what US tech said about Sage's cord the morning of the day she was born. I was shaken, sad, sorry we had gone for the US at all and just plain scared.

Then I realized that this was Eli reminding me that while it was good I'm trusting birth again, I needed to remember that this was HIS journey...he knows how and when and in what way he will be born. I know it will be gentle, perfect, and in his perfect way....I just need to remember that I can't control everything......and that's the hardest part.

Countdown, hypnobirthing, and shedding titles

It's been quite a while since I have posted anything. Please know that I check in often to keep up with everyone. So we are about 5 1/2 weeks out from meeting our blessing boy Eli. We decided to be proactive and get help with our anxiety regarding the impending birth. After some discussion we decided to go with Hypnobirthing. It has been amazing. I can say that my anxiety has dropped about 200% and we are now looking forward to meeting our little man.

As part of our classes we did a fear release. Something came up that I was very surprised about. I found that I was tired of wearing my daughter's death as a badge. I saw that I was hiding behind it and would bring it out when I felt life was just too much..too hard..too scary. Yes, my daughter died a tragic death, yes, I am reminded of her in every newborn baby girl's face, and yes, I wish she was here with us. But, I am reclaiming my badges of mom, wife, strong creator and fierce protector. I'm done wearing the veil of a victim. I'm ready to turn it into a sash of power and healing. And I am starting now.

Another family mourns tonight

Our liver recipient, a sweet toddler princess, passed away this morning. She rejected our liver but was retransplanted last October. She did ok for a while but decompensated about a month ago. The last week was pretty bad. Even though Sage was not part of her since October, I still corresponded with her family. It's a sad night.