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Missing the girl something fierce......this sucks. My therapist is MIA...the SHARE group is non existent...the few friends I had locally before Sage have bailed...again, this sucks.

The same but different

With all the newness and insanity of a new baby one might think that I wouldn't have time or energy to think of Sage. How wrong. The stress, lack of sleep, and anxiety have shifted my thoughts of her into high gear. I find myself looking at Eli and the realization that he is not her hits me hard. I wonder if she would be harder or easier than he is..I wonder if I would be as anxious about simple things...I wonder how different it would have been.

Confessions of a birth snob

Hi, I'm Erin and I am a recovering birthing snob. What does that mean? Well, it means that prior to my loss and recent birth experience I was of the belief that if you had your baby in any other way other than under water, at home, in the dark, with soft chanting you most likely would screw up your child for life. OK, so I might have exaggerated a bit but you get the picture. Yes, there are some really bad practices happening in the LD units across the country right now and yes, I STILL DO support home births as a safe and appropriate alternative for MOST mothers who want a minimally invasive birth. BUT...and yes, there is a BUT, I have come to appreciate that each baby has its own way of coming into the world. I have also come to appreciate that each mother has to learn to listen to her heart, gut, and baby when it comes to her birth choice. Does that mean that I support moms being medicated into oblivion due to fear of pain or inconvenience...no, of course not. Counterpoint, does this mean that I support moms making choices only to fulfill an ideology and "fit in" when it clearly goes against what they feel is the right choice...hell no. I support education and honest answers and a supportive group of women who are there for the mother no matter what.

I'm also sad that there is such a division amongst the mothering worlds....It's like you get points and acceptance for the options you choose....like if you choose to have a home water birth and go full granola...you get full points....unmedicated hospital birth you only get partial points....circumcise....minus a few points....god forbid you have to supplement ANY formula...minus more points....you might gain some back by cloth diapering or co-sleeping or baby wearing....maybe. When I was on the successful homewaterbirth with cosleeping extended breastfeeding no vaccination organic homemade babyfood side of the fence I couldn't see the other side. Only since having the experience that I had and having to reconcile my own choice to have a planned cesarean section birth can I really see the snobbery that is out there. Why can't we support each other as mothers without inventorying the choices they made...without categorizing them as to how "crunchy" they are? The only thing that should matter is if they love their kids, are making informed choices that are right for their family, and are feeling supported as mothers. Is that so hard?

OK, I am done and am stepping off my soapbox.

Similarities

We just noticed today that Sage and Elias have the same nose. It was kind of neat and kind of somber to realize that. They are both beautiful and we are so grateful.

He is here!!!

Our miracle, our affirmation that life does continue to bloom is HERE! He arrived screaming, looking and so beautiful. We brought Sage's locket with her picture and hair lock with us into the OR and I know she was there with us. When I heard that first cry was the first time I cried during the whole procedure. Every cry was like a shot of pure joy into my heart. We are over the moon. Of course, we will always miss our darling girl and the knowledge that had she lived Eli would not be here is something we struggle with. The reality is that she is not and he is and we couldn't be more thankful.

Today is the day

Well, in 5 and a half hours Eli will arrive. I've gotten a certain disconnected peace about it at this point. I think that is called survival mode. My mind just goes to "if we can past this part, we can celebrate". This is my Everest, .......see you at the summit.

Control??? What's that?

So last week was our appt. with the perinatologist and again we saw the cord up by Eli's face. It was decided then that we would do a planned c-section. Today was the day that we met with the OB for the first time to discuss the date. What a surreal and odd thing to do, to pick your child's birth date. I was fine until we started discussing the particulars....then it all just fell apart. I couldn't breathe right, my chest hurt, my head felt like it was going to explode. All the apprehension that I felt the night Sage was born and was sent by helicopter to the other hospital came flooding back. A flood of doubt and questions flooded my head, "are we taking the coward's way out", "are we making the right decision", "what if something happens to me on the table...what if Eli dies as a result of this section"?. I know in my heart that we are making a sound judgement based on fact and safety....I just worry...will I be adding Eli's name to this blog as a son I remember or as my son I cherish in my arms? Again and again I am forced to remember and affirm that I am not in control of my child's journey..I can only offer my best intention and love as his mother....and pray that is enough.

Thursday night we will deliver our son into this world. Let's pray he has chosen to stay.