Emptying the closet and sleep-away camp

So tonight was the night I decided to take Sage's name off the nursery door and take all the pink frilly flower patterned clothes out of the drawers. I pulled out the girlie hats, separated the frilly socks, and folded the butterfly motif blankets. I neatly folded them and put them in the pink bins that lived in the closet. I placed the too big Stride Rite mary janes that I got on sale and nestled them in as well. I had imagined it to be a very traumatic experience full of anguish and tears. It was indeed sad...not so much in that I was grieving Sage through the clothes I pictured her wearing...but the realization that I most likely will never have another daughter. The idea of donating the items does not sit well...I used to volunteer for a crisis pregnancy center and saw firsthand the disrespect that some women showed to donated clothes. My dear SHARE friend is pregnant and I have the feeling it is a girl...another dear friend is trying to get pregnant as well. SO, I will set the pink polkadots and pastel purple butterfly sleepers aside and know that when one of them has a girl I will face the task of actually moving the clothes out of the room and it will be ok.

Our big girl Iris has been invited to go to Hospice camp for kids this weekend. She has done amazingly well as far as dealing with the death of her only sister and Hospice has helped quite a bit. I'm hoping she has a good time. She has never gone to sleep away before without one of her family beside her. I am nervous but I know that at almost 10 she will do fine. I think it will do her good to be around other kids who have worked through loss and have that common bond with her. We will see.

PS. The boy is named Elias Odinn. We have named him, claimed him, and he is ours.

...irrational?

So last week was hard on many fronts. Obviously the birthday then 6 days later the angelversary. The nicest thing was that a dear friend sent a flower cake on Sage's birthday, one called, and one Aunt sent the most beautiful cards and another called. The worst thing was that a dear friend sent a flower cake on Sage's birthday, one called, and one Aunt sent the most beautiful cards and another called. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I guess I was hoping that our closer friends and family would acknowledge Sage's existence and short time here on this earth. When I brought it up to my mom she said the standard, "well, people don't know what to say or they don't want to make you upset". Really, how much more upset could I get? Instead of having a first birthday party I am bringing baby blankets to the NICU in honor of my dead daughter. So I have a hard time understanding how a simple "thinking of Sage on her birthday" could make me upset. Can we say hormonal? Ugh.....I need to segregate myself from greater society for a year or so.

A year ago tonight we said goodbye to our baby girl. We got word she would be transplanted and that she would have her surgery in the morning. It was the most bittersweet goodbye imaginable. Tomorrow will be hard. I have the times in my memory etched forever.....6 am..call to say she was placed for heart and liver...10am...OR time got pushed back....1pm...surgery almost done...2pm...holding my baby girl finally without tubes, fear, or a heartbeat. Knowing that it was at that very second being reanimated in a 6 week old little boy just hours north of us made all the difference in the world. It still does. God, I miss my baby girl.

Feeling like an ass

So today I picked up my big girl from school and the ladies in her small school were all giddy that I was having a boy. I have been trying so hard to muster up some excitement about the whole boy thing. I'm getting better. Still, the ladies faces were in a mix of confusion and differing layers of shock while I explained that I would be taking the next 5 months to get used to the idea of a boy. I'm sure in their minds I should be overjoyed that I'm having something at all. As hard as I try, I just can't get super excited. Sure, I have bought a few more things but it was almost like a chore. I have felt a few jabs here and there and I'm sure it will become more real as I feel more. It's just hard. I feel like I need to explain to everyone, "Look, I'm happy and all but I have a room full of girl clothes, washed, folded, ready to go. I will never have another baby girl to wear them. I will never have that...so excuse me for not being super excited at this juncture. I'm mourning not only my daughter, whose first birthday would be next week, I'm also mourning the fact I will never have another girl". If I could just say that to everyone I talk to....maybe I wouldn't get those looks.

Sage's birthday is next Tuesday. Her tree is blooming. I will post pics when it comes into full bloom. breathe in....breathe out.......

Holy Crap

We found out today that we are having a boy. The best way to explain my reaction would be numbness. The midwife is just the sweetest thing and understood why I wasn't exactly jumping for joy. I know I will be over the moon, so to say, given some time but for now I'm trying to digest that I will never have another little girl. No more pink snuggly footie pajamas, no more fairy princess dress up, not again. I have a room full of girl clothes folded, sorted, and waiting. How easy it would have been to simply add a baby girl to that already girlie room. As my dear friend and SHARE mom said, maybe this baby wants to be their own person, not a replacement in some way. At the time I could only reply that there would never, could never be a replacement for Sage. I think I get what she was saying now though. I wanted a girl because I had one and she was gone too fast. Thinking back to when I was pregnant with Sage I can remember wishing for a boy because then I would be done, boy, girl, family...done. I threw my heart into having another girl and it was pulled out from under me. I guess I'm hesitant throwing my heart into someone entirely new. Oh, and 13 more days until Sage's first birthday. I'm terrified.

New item

We bought the very first item for the new baby. I was so anxious buying anything. It is like tempting fate, like snubbing our noses at the universe and saying, "This time it will be different". I keep looking at that fuzzy blanket with owls and apple trees and hoping.

Gearing up for 2010

Christmas was graciously gentle. There really only were a couple instances where I was reminded that we were missing a 10 month old rummaging through presents and the tree. Being "morning" sick through the holidays hasn't helped really either but oh well. Let's just pray that it subsides at some point. I was sick every day until delivery with Sage. The midwife group I see now have been great. When I went in to request Zofran the midwife I saw basically said they would do everything they could to ensure I have the easiest pregnancy they could. I like that. I could go for easy and smooth this time around. I hope everyone's holiday was gentle as well.

We found someone who said they would be honored to cast a statue for Sage. It was kind of funny when I called. I said, "I'm looking for someone to make a statue with my daughter's ashes". It went like this....

"Assets?"

"No, ashes"

"Address?"

"No, ASHES"

"With Access?"

"NO, MADE WITH HER ASHES...you know, REMAINS"

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh....ashes"

He was quite lovely about it though and we go down there sometime this week or next to pick out a mold. He assured me that if we can't find one we like they will make something custom. I'm excited and I know we will find the right one. Hopefully it's not an arm and a leg.

Thanks for all the wonderfully kind remarks. It's a sad and comforting to know we are all in this together.