20 months is a drop in the bucket

I had a melt down the other day over not being with Sage when she "died". I know she was gone long before they took her to the OR to gather her organs and turn off the ventilator but for some reason it all came at me at once.......20 months and I'm still getting blindsided with these kinds of things.....I honestly thought we would be done by now.....

The perfect child

So I find myself calling Eli "Sage" and saying "her" instead of "him". Mostly when I'm tired or emotional and it makes me sad. I don't want to ever compare my children to eachother but come on, if you have more than one you know you do it....just admit it and get over it...but I find myself comparing them to Sage...the idea of Sage. In my head she grows to be gorgeous, brilliant, funny, strong, successful, and full of everything I'm too scared to be. She has the advantage of never being able to prove me wrong...she will forever be my perfect one....my infallible one....how can any kid live up to THAT standard? I want to let that go and accept my lovelies for all they are Aspergers, allergies, tempers, reflux, clutterloving, and all and not have that moment of "Sage would ('nt) be like this or that" or "Sage would ('nt) have been able to do this or that".....I feel like a crap mom when I do it but I'm not sure how to stop......I guess just by reminding myself that when I accidentally say "Goodnight sweet girl" when holding Eli it's really okay because I have a feeling she is still hanging out with him...close by...as she always has been.

Worky kind of work

SO I started back at work this week.....it was better than I envisioned it. I expected to have a complete mental breakdown when I had to walk through NICU or LD. I actually was ok. I took a deep breath before I scrubbed in and it was alright. Seeing the little ones in the NICU was hard, especially the ones who were big like Sage was. Some tragic cases but mostly just feeder grower babies there to pack on the pounds and days until they go home. I found myself thinking "thank god Sage went quick and didn't suffer on life support". Crazy thought but it's so hard seeing those little ones struggle. Was again blown away though at the callousness of some moms....another baby, another mouth to feed...or worse, another check on the way...woohoo! It's unfair....so many would kill for a baby and here is some woman on baby 5 and says she really didn't want the last 3......what's wrong with this picture?

...

Missing the girl something fierce......this sucks. My therapist is MIA...the SHARE group is non existent...the few friends I had locally before Sage have bailed...again, this sucks.

The same but different

With all the newness and insanity of a new baby one might think that I wouldn't have time or energy to think of Sage. How wrong. The stress, lack of sleep, and anxiety have shifted my thoughts of her into high gear. I find myself looking at Eli and the realization that he is not her hits me hard. I wonder if she would be harder or easier than he is..I wonder if I would be as anxious about simple things...I wonder how different it would have been.

Confessions of a birth snob

Hi, I'm Erin and I am a recovering birthing snob. What does that mean? Well, it means that prior to my loss and recent birth experience I was of the belief that if you had your baby in any other way other than under water, at home, in the dark, with soft chanting you most likely would screw up your child for life. OK, so I might have exaggerated a bit but you get the picture. Yes, there are some really bad practices happening in the LD units across the country right now and yes, I STILL DO support home births as a safe and appropriate alternative for MOST mothers who want a minimally invasive birth. BUT...and yes, there is a BUT, I have come to appreciate that each baby has its own way of coming into the world. I have also come to appreciate that each mother has to learn to listen to her heart, gut, and baby when it comes to her birth choice. Does that mean that I support moms being medicated into oblivion due to fear of pain or inconvenience...no, of course not. Counterpoint, does this mean that I support moms making choices only to fulfill an ideology and "fit in" when it clearly goes against what they feel is the right choice...hell no. I support education and honest answers and a supportive group of women who are there for the mother no matter what.

I'm also sad that there is such a division amongst the mothering worlds....It's like you get points and acceptance for the options you choose....like if you choose to have a home water birth and go full granola...you get full points....unmedicated hospital birth you only get partial points....circumcise....minus a few points....god forbid you have to supplement ANY formula...minus more points....you might gain some back by cloth diapering or co-sleeping or baby wearing....maybe. When I was on the successful homewaterbirth with cosleeping extended breastfeeding no vaccination organic homemade babyfood side of the fence I couldn't see the other side. Only since having the experience that I had and having to reconcile my own choice to have a planned cesarean section birth can I really see the snobbery that is out there. Why can't we support each other as mothers without inventorying the choices they made...without categorizing them as to how "crunchy" they are? The only thing that should matter is if they love their kids, are making informed choices that are right for their family, and are feeling supported as mothers. Is that so hard?

OK, I am done and am stepping off my soapbox.

Similarities

We just noticed today that Sage and Elias have the same nose. It was kind of neat and kind of somber to realize that. They are both beautiful and we are so grateful.