Christmas

No matter the toys, tree, lights, squeals of delight as my children open their gifts, there will always be one empty stocking....and that sucks.

The spirit tree

Sage's tree with her snowflake friends. Connor, Aquila, Lukas and others all have snowflakes here. They sparkle and shine and sway in our lovely Florida breezes.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for so much. My husband who was my first love, my family who has been my rock, for the opportunity to parent 3 wonderful children, no matter how long I got to parent them, my friends new and old who stood by me when it was scary, sad, tragic, and hopeful, and for my amazing life. I am blessed...so very very blessed.

My 3 children

.....

So before I totally sabotage my entire life by packing it with way more than I can handle I have decided to go back into therapy. Feels like surrender......

Can't a motha get a break?

My cousin, who is a fellow BLM, is sitting in the ER with her 10 month old.. He has a (very large) small bowel obstruction, a raging fever and was sent home by the po-dunk Dr. they visited earlier. They drove him out to the "city" for decent care. Please say a prayer that he is ok, hasn't perforated, and that they can clear him up without surgery.

Another Support Group meeting busted.....

So I went to a support group meeting for bereaved parents...let's call them something like "sensitive companions" or something of the like. It started out ok, most of the parents were grieving older children but one was a mom to a boy who died of SIDS. Her mother was there as well. When it was my turn to introduce myself I explained how I had been trying to find a group where I fit into. I'd like to go to SHARE if there was one to go to and now that I had my "rainbow" baby I am more painful to the new bereaved moms than helpful. I'd LOVE to go to a pediatric donor family group but there isn't one. (Hell, I can't even get anyone to share their donation story on my website). SO there I was, trying to find a place to vent my feelings about guilt, longing, and missing my baby girl.

Everything was going good ( in the support group sense), lots of sharing, nodding, arm rubbing ect... Then we started talking about premonitions, either yours or your child's regarding their death. I spoke up about my dream that I had about Sage holding the hands of a boy and girl before we had her recipient matches, which were a boy and girl. I also talked about how I wasn't connected to her during my pregnancy and how I felt her pulling away during labor. That's when she said it...."It should give me peace to know that she wasn't 100% present here, to be with me for good. I knew that she was leaving so that at least gives me peace, right?"

Ummm, no. We made the decision to donate because it was Sage's purpose, not ours. I didn't go through labor crying and grieving her with an inner peace knowing that she was fulfilling her purpose. It was like watching a massacre in front of you and you can't stop it or even yell out for them to duck for cover. It was like having your soul being dragged to it's death and you knew it was coming. I don't have peace when my heart skips and my stomach turns every time I hear the trauma hawk fly overhead. It sucks...it will always suck. I miss my baby girl. I will miss everything about her forever. The knowledge that she helped others makes me happy that I feel I fulfilled her as her parent. Other than that......It fucking blows.

20 months is a drop in the bucket

I had a melt down the other day over not being with Sage when she "died". I know she was gone long before they took her to the OR to gather her organs and turn off the ventilator but for some reason it all came at me at once.......20 months and I'm still getting blindsided with these kinds of things.....I honestly thought we would be done by now.....

The perfect child

So I find myself calling Eli "Sage" and saying "her" instead of "him". Mostly when I'm tired or emotional and it makes me sad. I don't want to ever compare my children to eachother but come on, if you have more than one you know you do it....just admit it and get over it...but I find myself comparing them to Sage...the idea of Sage. In my head she grows to be gorgeous, brilliant, funny, strong, successful, and full of everything I'm too scared to be. She has the advantage of never being able to prove me wrong...she will forever be my perfect one....my infallible one....how can any kid live up to THAT standard? I want to let that go and accept my lovelies for all they are Aspergers, allergies, tempers, reflux, clutterloving, and all and not have that moment of "Sage would ('nt) be like this or that" or "Sage would ('nt) have been able to do this or that".....I feel like a crap mom when I do it but I'm not sure how to stop......I guess just by reminding myself that when I accidentally say "Goodnight sweet girl" when holding Eli it's really okay because I have a feeling she is still hanging out with him...close by...as she always has been.

Worky kind of work

SO I started back at work this week.....it was better than I envisioned it. I expected to have a complete mental breakdown when I had to walk through NICU or LD. I actually was ok. I took a deep breath before I scrubbed in and it was alright. Seeing the little ones in the NICU was hard, especially the ones who were big like Sage was. Some tragic cases but mostly just feeder grower babies there to pack on the pounds and days until they go home. I found myself thinking "thank god Sage went quick and didn't suffer on life support". Crazy thought but it's so hard seeing those little ones struggle. Was again blown away though at the callousness of some moms....another baby, another mouth to feed...or worse, another check on the way...woohoo! It's unfair....so many would kill for a baby and here is some woman on baby 5 and says she really didn't want the last 3......what's wrong with this picture?

...

Missing the girl something fierce......this sucks. My therapist is MIA...the SHARE group is non existent...the few friends I had locally before Sage have bailed...again, this sucks.

The same but different

With all the newness and insanity of a new baby one might think that I wouldn't have time or energy to think of Sage. How wrong. The stress, lack of sleep, and anxiety have shifted my thoughts of her into high gear. I find myself looking at Eli and the realization that he is not her hits me hard. I wonder if she would be harder or easier than he is..I wonder if I would be as anxious about simple things...I wonder how different it would have been.

Confessions of a birth snob

Hi, I'm Erin and I am a recovering birthing snob. What does that mean? Well, it means that prior to my loss and recent birth experience I was of the belief that if you had your baby in any other way other than under water, at home, in the dark, with soft chanting you most likely would screw up your child for life. OK, so I might have exaggerated a bit but you get the picture. Yes, there are some really bad practices happening in the LD units across the country right now and yes, I STILL DO support home births as a safe and appropriate alternative for MOST mothers who want a minimally invasive birth. BUT...and yes, there is a BUT, I have come to appreciate that each baby has its own way of coming into the world. I have also come to appreciate that each mother has to learn to listen to her heart, gut, and baby when it comes to her birth choice. Does that mean that I support moms being medicated into oblivion due to fear of pain or inconvenience...no, of course not. Counterpoint, does this mean that I support moms making choices only to fulfill an ideology and "fit in" when it clearly goes against what they feel is the right choice...hell no. I support education and honest answers and a supportive group of women who are there for the mother no matter what.

I'm also sad that there is such a division amongst the mothering worlds....It's like you get points and acceptance for the options you choose....like if you choose to have a home water birth and go full granola...you get full points....unmedicated hospital birth you only get partial points....circumcise....minus a few points....god forbid you have to supplement ANY formula...minus more points....you might gain some back by cloth diapering or co-sleeping or baby wearing....maybe. When I was on the successful homewaterbirth with cosleeping extended breastfeeding no vaccination organic homemade babyfood side of the fence I couldn't see the other side. Only since having the experience that I had and having to reconcile my own choice to have a planned cesarean section birth can I really see the snobbery that is out there. Why can't we support each other as mothers without inventorying the choices they made...without categorizing them as to how "crunchy" they are? The only thing that should matter is if they love their kids, are making informed choices that are right for their family, and are feeling supported as mothers. Is that so hard?

OK, I am done and am stepping off my soapbox.

Similarities

We just noticed today that Sage and Elias have the same nose. It was kind of neat and kind of somber to realize that. They are both beautiful and we are so grateful.

He is here!!!

Our miracle, our affirmation that life does continue to bloom is HERE! He arrived screaming, looking and so beautiful. We brought Sage's locket with her picture and hair lock with us into the OR and I know she was there with us. When I heard that first cry was the first time I cried during the whole procedure. Every cry was like a shot of pure joy into my heart. We are over the moon. Of course, we will always miss our darling girl and the knowledge that had she lived Eli would not be here is something we struggle with. The reality is that she is not and he is and we couldn't be more thankful.

Today is the day

Well, in 5 and a half hours Eli will arrive. I've gotten a certain disconnected peace about it at this point. I think that is called survival mode. My mind just goes to "if we can past this part, we can celebrate". This is my Everest, .......see you at the summit.

Control??? What's that?

So last week was our appt. with the perinatologist and again we saw the cord up by Eli's face. It was decided then that we would do a planned c-section. Today was the day that we met with the OB for the first time to discuss the date. What a surreal and odd thing to do, to pick your child's birth date. I was fine until we started discussing the particulars....then it all just fell apart. I couldn't breathe right, my chest hurt, my head felt like it was going to explode. All the apprehension that I felt the night Sage was born and was sent by helicopter to the other hospital came flooding back. A flood of doubt and questions flooded my head, "are we taking the coward's way out", "are we making the right decision", "what if something happens to me on the table...what if Eli dies as a result of this section"?. I know in my heart that we are making a sound judgement based on fact and safety....I just worry...will I be adding Eli's name to this blog as a son I remember or as my son I cherish in my arms? Again and again I am forced to remember and affirm that I am not in control of my child's journey..I can only offer my best intention and love as his mother....and pray that is enough.

Thursday night we will deliver our son into this world. Let's pray he has chosen to stay.

You've got to be kidding......

A very good friend of mine who I met from SHARE boards just lost her baby at 24 weeks....... Since I met her at SHARE you can guess that she has had a loss before. She lost twin boys at 20 weeks due to infection...it will be 2 years this winter. This boy she tried for for months and months. We don't know why he died.....she just said his heart stopped beating. It was a flood of emotions that rushed me back to 18 months ago when Sage died. I couldn't/can't believe it. Every time my phone dings and its her texting me I have a flash of though that maybe they were wrong....maybe they will find that heartbeat flutter right before they induce her. I know it's not true but I have that irrational thought....just like I had the irrational thought that Sage would "wake up" when they did the apnea tests. My heart is breaking for her and her husband. It just isn't fair....she deserves a baby....a live one. Honestly, having to bury 3 baby boys in 2 years is cruel and wrong and unnatural. My dear friend, I hold your boys in my heart....Benjamin, Jacob, and now Ryaan.

Let me count the grey hairs....

SO....we went to the peri 2 weeks ago and saw that Eli's cord was NOWHERE near his head or chest or shoulders...all nicely bundled by his belly. With that great news I decided that we wanted a 3D US and we had it this afternoon. What is the first thing we see? A CORD by his FACE...not just by it, floating above it. Apparently I have excessive fluid enough to allow things to float around and for the tech to measure Eli to make sure he is within normal growth range. (He is, by the way) When we saw the cord I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I couldn't believe it. The tech saying "don't worry about it...it's nothing to even think about"....really lady??? Thats what US tech said about Sage's cord the morning of the day she was born. I was shaken, sad, sorry we had gone for the US at all and just plain scared.

Then I realized that this was Eli reminding me that while it was good I'm trusting birth again, I needed to remember that this was HIS journey...he knows how and when and in what way he will be born. I know it will be gentle, perfect, and in his perfect way....I just need to remember that I can't control everything......and that's the hardest part.

Countdown, hypnobirthing, and shedding titles

It's been quite a while since I have posted anything. Please know that I check in often to keep up with everyone. So we are about 5 1/2 weeks out from meeting our blessing boy Eli. We decided to be proactive and get help with our anxiety regarding the impending birth. After some discussion we decided to go with Hypnobirthing. It has been amazing. I can say that my anxiety has dropped about 200% and we are now looking forward to meeting our little man.

As part of our classes we did a fear release. Something came up that I was very surprised about. I found that I was tired of wearing my daughter's death as a badge. I saw that I was hiding behind it and would bring it out when I felt life was just too much..too hard..too scary. Yes, my daughter died a tragic death, yes, I am reminded of her in every newborn baby girl's face, and yes, I wish she was here with us. But, I am reclaiming my badges of mom, wife, strong creator and fierce protector. I'm done wearing the veil of a victim. I'm ready to turn it into a sash of power and healing. And I am starting now.

Another family mourns tonight

Our liver recipient, a sweet toddler princess, passed away this morning. She rejected our liver but was retransplanted last October. She did ok for a while but decompensated about a month ago. The last week was pretty bad. Even though Sage was not part of her since October, I still corresponded with her family. It's a sad night.

The newness and the suckish

When I first started thinking about
trying to get pregnant again after Sage died, which was right away, I kind of harrumphed at the therapist's and "expert's" suggestion that we wait a bit. I was almost taken aback by the nerve of these people...ME?? I don't need more time to know what I want, I don't need more clarity to navigate my grief, my body is MORE than ready for a baby, my marriage is rock solid, AND DON'T TELL ME WHAT I NEED!!!!!

Yeah, about all that....maybe there was something to those suggestions.

We did wait 8 months...well 6 months but it took 2 months for the meds to kick in to gear and a bablette to stick. But as I sit here having the third meltdown of the last couple days with a back that is spasming, varicose veins where NO woman should have them, having anxiety attacks whenever this boychild inside stops moving for even a half hour, second gu

essing every choice I made with Sage and choices I'm making for this one,

seething at my husband for well.....anything, I wonder if that suggested year was perhaps a good idea after all.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with this little man walloping my innards...it's just that hindsight thing, you know?

Other news, we had a 3d snapshot at the perinatologist (heart deformities run on both sides so we see a peri sometimes just to check out the heart...it's all good by the way) and he looks nothing like his sister.

Boy is in B/W Sage is in Sephia...what do you think? Oh, and yes, that IS his cord up by his face and head.....if he doesn't move by the 36 wk US we will be looking at a c-section :/

Emptying the closet and sleep-away camp

So tonight was the night I decided to take Sage's name off the nursery door and take all the pink frilly flower patterned clothes out of the drawers. I pulled out the girlie hats, separated the frilly socks, and folded the butterfly motif blankets. I neatly folded them and put them in the pink bins that lived in the closet. I placed the too big Stride Rite mary janes that I got on sale and nestled them in as well. I had imagined it to be a very traumatic experience full of anguish and tears. It was indeed sad...not so much in that I was grieving Sage through the clothes I pictured her wearing...but the realization that I most likely will never have another daughter. The idea of donating the items does not sit well...I used to volunteer for a crisis pregnancy center and saw firsthand the disrespect that some women showed to donated clothes. My dear SHARE friend is pregnant and I have the feeling it is a girl...another dear friend is trying to get pregnant as well. SO, I will set the pink polkadots and pastel purple butterfly sleepers aside and know that when one of them has a girl I will face the task of actually moving the clothes out of the room and it will be ok.

Our big girl Iris has been invited to go to Hospice camp for kids this weekend. She has done amazingly well as far as dealing with the death of her only sister and Hospice has helped quite a bit. I'm hoping she has a good time. She has never gone to sleep away before without one of her family beside her. I am nervous but I know that at almost 10 she will do fine. I think it will do her good to be around other kids who have worked through loss and have that common bond with her. We will see.

PS. The boy is named Elias Odinn. We have named him, claimed him, and he is ours.

...irrational?

So last week was hard on many fronts. Obviously the birthday then 6 days later the angelversary. The nicest thing was that a dear friend sent a flower cake on Sage's birthday, one called, and one Aunt sent the most beautiful cards and another called. The worst thing was that a dear friend sent a flower cake on Sage's birthday, one called, and one Aunt sent the most beautiful cards and another called. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I guess I was hoping that our closer friends and family would acknowledge Sage's existence and short time here on this earth. When I brought it up to my mom she said the standard, "well, people don't know what to say or they don't want to make you upset". Really, how much more upset could I get? Instead of having a first birthday party I am bringing baby blankets to the NICU in honor of my dead daughter. So I have a hard time understanding how a simple "thinking of Sage on her birthday" could make me upset. Can we say hormonal? Ugh.....I need to segregate myself from greater society for a year or so.

A year ago tonight we said goodbye to our baby girl. We got word she would be transplanted and that she would have her surgery in the morning. It was the most bittersweet goodbye imaginable. Tomorrow will be hard. I have the times in my memory etched forever.....6 am..call to say she was placed for heart and liver...10am...OR time got pushed back....1pm...surgery almost done...2pm...holding my baby girl finally without tubes, fear, or a heartbeat. Knowing that it was at that very second being reanimated in a 6 week old little boy just hours north of us made all the difference in the world. It still does. God, I miss my baby girl.

Feeling like an ass

So today I picked up my big girl from school and the ladies in her small school were all giddy that I was having a boy. I have been trying so hard to muster up some excitement about the whole boy thing. I'm getting better. Still, the ladies faces were in a mix of confusion and differing layers of shock while I explained that I would be taking the next 5 months to get used to the idea of a boy. I'm sure in their minds I should be overjoyed that I'm having something at all. As hard as I try, I just can't get super excited. Sure, I have bought a few more things but it was almost like a chore. I have felt a few jabs here and there and I'm sure it will become more real as I feel more. It's just hard. I feel like I need to explain to everyone, "Look, I'm happy and all but I have a room full of girl clothes, washed, folded, ready to go. I will never have another baby girl to wear them. I will never have that...so excuse me for not being super excited at this juncture. I'm mourning not only my daughter, whose first birthday would be next week, I'm also mourning the fact I will never have another girl". If I could just say that to everyone I talk to....maybe I wouldn't get those looks.

Sage's birthday is next Tuesday. Her tree is blooming. I will post pics when it comes into full bloom. breathe in....breathe out.......

Holy Crap

We found out today that we are having a boy. The best way to explain my reaction would be numbness. The midwife is just the sweetest thing and understood why I wasn't exactly jumping for joy. I know I will be over the moon, so to say, given some time but for now I'm trying to digest that I will never have another little girl. No more pink snuggly footie pajamas, no more fairy princess dress up, not again. I have a room full of girl clothes folded, sorted, and waiting. How easy it would have been to simply add a baby girl to that already girlie room. As my dear friend and SHARE mom said, maybe this baby wants to be their own person, not a replacement in some way. At the time I could only reply that there would never, could never be a replacement for Sage. I think I get what she was saying now though. I wanted a girl because I had one and she was gone too fast. Thinking back to when I was pregnant with Sage I can remember wishing for a boy because then I would be done, boy, girl, family...done. I threw my heart into having another girl and it was pulled out from under me. I guess I'm hesitant throwing my heart into someone entirely new. Oh, and 13 more days until Sage's first birthday. I'm terrified.

New item

We bought the very first item for the new baby. I was so anxious buying anything. It is like tempting fate, like snubbing our noses at the universe and saying, "This time it will be different". I keep looking at that fuzzy blanket with owls and apple trees and hoping.