SO my home is insane with the trappings of a toddler boy, newborn girl, and adolescent hormone whackjob that looks eerily like my 12 yr old daughter. I'm back to work and we are finding our new groove. I had an pretty nasty time with PPD but am feeling better. Honestly, I think going through the abyss with Sage dying helped me learn to cope with depression better. I would feel bad and could really reflect and say, "Well, at least this baby is alive". Kind of brings a new clarity to it all when you have that as a benchmark for your emotions. Anxiety though is a different story.
My OB is awesome and I am lucky to call him a friend and colleague. We had a "check in" today and he gave me some good advice. We were discussing my mood and anxiety. He asked me how I would rate myself as far as being close to my "normal". That hit me like a ton of bricks. I really don't remember "normal". If you mean pre-Sage "normal" then I'm nowhere on that chart...I don't even recall what it was like. If you mean post-Sage "normal", then I'm at about 60-70%. I could feel myself start to shake and flush and my heart started to race. When he asked me to explain that rating and said that he could see me shaking, I almost broke down. The pressure to be 'okay' and step back up to my responsibilities is overwhelming. I am a super overachiever and am determined to get back up on that horse...hell, I'll skin that damn thing and make you a coat if you ask me to. Little would you know my facade is so thin that the interior shows through the ever expanding cracks. I feel fake...I am a fake. I feel irreparably broken so I overcompensate to seem whole. I felt panicked because here was someone I trusted, admired, and worked with and they could see the flaws in the plaster. He looked me square in the face and said "you are doing ok. You are doing the best you can and that's all you need to do. It is enough and you are enough". Of course I nod my head agreeing because I KNOW this stuff. Rationally, clinically, academically, I know this. I know this but I guess I needed to hear it. I needed to hear that I'm on the right track and I don't have to be 100% happy, collected, organized, and bounced back. I needed to be reminded that I am actually doing really good, comparatively, for having a baby not even 3 months ago. The blackness has receded and left anxiety in it's wake. Well, it was always there but now I am feeling it more again. I am on auto pilot most days and I guess that's ok. I'm not crazy, I am not going off the deep end. I am doing my best with what I have and that's ok for today.