Thursday, October 29, 2009

You put your right foot in.....

Lots of weird emotions running around right now. Our liver recipient had her replacement liver transplant yesterday and is doing well. I am largely over the haunting guilt that I had when I learned that she had rejected Sage's liver. Part of me is still really disappointed but I know that Sage played her part and fulfilled her role with her. Even though Sage is not part of her anymore, I still feel connected to her, like we still are part of her story. It's a strange road to walk and we are still learning how to walk it. Too bad you don't get a nifty instructional song to go along with it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Hormones and raisinettes

My life as it stands right now in equation form:

(Synthetic hormones+insane cravings for junk food) x older daughter rebelling against all things good and scholastic ÷ fears of depression creeping back in + husband actually experiencing said depression/anxiety
x work and doctoral studies =

Very large irritated bloated cow
------------------------------------------- x STRESS =
Weepy irritable wife

Monday, October 5, 2009

A hot mess

I swear, my body is staging an uprising....since we decided to start "trying" my cycle is just a mess!! Trying to count out a cycle to time that oh so "spontaneous" interlude just is about impossible. Hi, OBGYN, yes....we will be making an appointment. Anyone else out there in this crappy boat? I know people say to not think about it but you know what? Trying to get pregnant after your child dies is HARD, it's hard physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is say the least. It took over 2 years to get pregnant with Sage...I just can't wait that long again.

On another note, I had a dream that Sage had lived but with major brain damage. We had to leave her at a facility. Time fast forwarded and we had to pick her up since she was a teenager. I was ready to pick up a nonverbal semi-comatose that I hadn't seen in years. What I got was a very angry teenager. She was curled up on the couch and was yelling at me to leave her alone. She just kept yelling for me to turn around and let her go. I woke up and all I wanted to do was take her name off her door, not wear my locket with her picture in it, not wear my bracelet with her name on it. I wanted to put her away. I guess she is just letting me know that she is ok with us trying again....I'm not sure....I hope that's it.....