Christmas

No matter the toys, tree, lights, squeals of delight as my children open their gifts, there will always be one empty stocking....and that sucks.

The spirit tree

Sage's tree with her snowflake friends. Connor, Aquila, Lukas and others all have snowflakes here. They sparkle and shine and sway in our lovely Florida breezes.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for so much. My husband who was my first love, my family who has been my rock, for the opportunity to parent 3 wonderful children, no matter how long I got to parent them, my friends new and old who stood by me when it was scary, sad, tragic, and hopeful, and for my amazing life. I am blessed...so very very blessed.

My 3 children

.....

So before I totally sabotage my entire life by packing it with way more than I can handle I have decided to go back into therapy. Feels like surrender......

Can't a motha get a break?

My cousin, who is a fellow BLM, is sitting in the ER with her 10 month old.. He has a (very large) small bowel obstruction, a raging fever and was sent home by the po-dunk Dr. they visited earlier. They drove him out to the "city" for decent care. Please say a prayer that he is ok, hasn't perforated, and that they can clear him up without surgery.

Another Support Group meeting busted.....

So I went to a support group meeting for bereaved parents...let's call them something like "sensitive companions" or something of the like. It started out ok, most of the parents were grieving older children but one was a mom to a boy who died of SIDS. Her mother was there as well. When it was my turn to introduce myself I explained how I had been trying to find a group where I fit into. I'd like to go to SHARE if there was one to go to and now that I had my "rainbow" baby I am more painful to the new bereaved moms than helpful. I'd LOVE to go to a pediatric donor family group but there isn't one. (Hell, I can't even get anyone to share their donation story on my website). SO there I was, trying to find a place to vent my feelings about guilt, longing, and missing my baby girl.

Everything was going good ( in the support group sense), lots of sharing, nodding, arm rubbing ect... Then we started talking about premonitions, either yours or your child's regarding their death. I spoke up about my dream that I had about Sage holding the hands of a boy and girl before we had her recipient matches, which were a boy and girl. I also talked about how I wasn't connected to her during my pregnancy and how I felt her pulling away during labor. That's when she said it...."It should give me peace to know that she wasn't 100% present here, to be with me for good. I knew that she was leaving so that at least gives me peace, right?"

Ummm, no. We made the decision to donate because it was Sage's purpose, not ours. I didn't go through labor crying and grieving her with an inner peace knowing that she was fulfilling her purpose. It was like watching a massacre in front of you and you can't stop it or even yell out for them to duck for cover. It was like having your soul being dragged to it's death and you knew it was coming. I don't have peace when my heart skips and my stomach turns every time I hear the trauma hawk fly overhead. It sucks...it will always suck. I miss my baby girl. I will miss everything about her forever. The knowledge that she helped others makes me happy that I feel I fulfilled her as her parent. Other than that......It fucking blows.