Wednesday, October 12, 2011

How time has gone

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it? I'd love to say that life has gone by without a hitch and things were just lovely butterfly magical....but that's not life. That's not the way things it? Yes, the kids are wonderfully alive and happy. The boy is robust and big and just delicious. The big girl is blossoming into a perfectly awkward preteen and all is as it should be with the living children..the husband even has a job now. You would think I would be swimming in the glory that is "shit has finally worked out". SO why aren't I? That's a great question. I guess that as my world slips slowly back into what the common interpretation of "normal" would be, I am feeling more and more like a sham. Like as I smile more and laugh more, and enjoy my life more, I am caking the happy face makeup on heavier and heavier. The cake is starting to crack I fear. Lately I have noticed that I am snappier, moodier, not as easily amused (and I used to genuinely laugh at the stupidest things), and generally more depressed. I thought maybe it was my cycle coming back and I was just PMS'y but it has lasted pretty consistently over the last few and it doesn't seem to back off really. I KNOW I am in need of a job change (I think once you have lived through the nightmare of burying/cremating your child the petty ridiculous bullshit of most people's lives means nothing.. so don't come wha wha to me when Betty in accounting didn't put your special kitten mug away in the break room like you wanted...really people....really?). I have no tolerance for stupid crap or plain mean spirited people. I guess I am re-evaluating my choices in life and seeing if they jive with my new outlook and priorities. I started running and working out and was doing it every day for about 6 weeks....then had to stop when my schedule changed. That is unacceptable so I will be waking up at 5 to keep that up. I felt better and my head was clearer. I am working with a local hospital to start a peer support group for loss and finally have connected with some great ladies through SHARE (about damn time!) so that is a great thing. I started midwifery school and so far it is kicking my ass but that's good because I'd rather suffer in school and know my shit than coast and end up killing someone. I don't know....this grief stuff is hard and it sucks and I want my baby girl back. Maybe I need a good bottle of wine, a good movie, and a good tantrum so I can get back to getting shit done.............

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