Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Feeling like an ass

So today I picked up my big girl from school and the ladies in her small school were all giddy that I was having a boy. I have been trying so hard to muster up some excitement about the whole boy thing. I'm getting better. Still, the ladies faces were in a mix of confusion and differing layers of shock while I explained that I would be taking the next 5 months to get used to the idea of a boy. I'm sure in their minds I should be overjoyed that I'm having something at all. As hard as I try, I just can't get super excited. Sure, I have bought a few more things but it was almost like a chore. I have felt a few jabs here and there and I'm sure it will become more real as I feel more. It's just hard. I feel like I need to explain to everyone, "Look, I'm happy and all but I have a room full of girl clothes, washed, folded, ready to go. I will never have another baby girl to wear them. I will never have that...so excuse me for not being super excited at this juncture. I'm mourning not only my daughter, whose first birthday would be next week, I'm also mourning the fact I will never have another girl". If I could just say that to everyone I talk to....maybe I wouldn't get those looks.

Sage's birthday is next Tuesday. Her tree is blooming. I will post pics when it comes into full bloom. breathe in....breathe out.......


  1. Only a baby lost Mother can understand these conflicting thoughts. My prayer is that you can find peace in acceptance in Sage's baby brother. My heart aches for you, as "no child", neither boy or girl can ever fill Sage's place.


  2. i know i know i know i will feel the exact same way if i have a boy. i am not even pregnant, but i want another so bad..i know no child can replace Aquila, but everything was ready for a baby .i keep trying to convince myself that any baby would be a blessing(and i know they would) but i feel dissapointment even now when i think of finding out its a boy. ugh...what yucky feelings to admit .blah