I never thought for a second that my dear husband wouldn't be onboard with "trying" again right away. As I saw it, we were not replacing Sage in any way. I knew that she was not here for us to keep. I accept that and I just thought, our original goal was to have a child. We need to move on with that goal. When I brought up the subject I was floored when my husband told me that he wasn't nearly ready to even talk about another pregnancy. I was devastated. I was angry. I was resentful. How dare anyone, much less a man, tell ME what I could or couldn't do? I would be lying to say that it didn't affect our relationship for a little while.
I had started going to therapy through Hospice/SHARE and we talked at length about my desire to try again. It wasn't until I really stopped and thought about it and took a step back to look at myself physically that it made any sense as to wait. My heart still was saying NOW!!!! but I started to see rationally how dragging my husband forcibly into another pregnancy may be very detrimental to our marriage. I decided to focus on my health and get my body ready for another baby. I also focused on my family to get it ready as well. My hub. and I decided to wait 6 months before we talked about conceiving again and I reluctantly went back on the pill. Taking that first pill was heart-wrenching. It was like conceding defeat. On the other hand, it was like a renewal of faith in my marriage. If my husband was willing to even consider heading into another potentially complicated pregnancy and delivery, I should be willing to take a little pill for a few months.
Relationships between parents of children who die are more likely to crumble than any other group. I was and am determined that we will not be one of those couples. I am committed to my family and know that sometimes the things we are most resistant to (waiting the 6 months) can be the most therapeutic.
With that said, I am counting down the days until November and our very special conversation.